People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards;

sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are. ~Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

so i know everyone is so curious as to how I am doing back in Honduras, and how things are at home. Well, things seem to be going well in Cruces, mom is in her second week of Radiation and Chemo and seems to be handling them both pretty well. She has made every inclination that she wants to return to work for at least the mornings before her treatments, and may have actually started doing that. Her positive attitude is so inspiring and as much as I really don't want to be here right now, knowing that she is perfectly capable with just her and dad sort of makes me feel like my going home would be more of an impediment than not.

Things here are okay. It's weird being back at my site, speaking spanish, not having anyone to talk to for the majority of the day. I think if I had a site mate (or one that wasn't a total freak) I would be a little better to handle all this. Raul spent last weekend in my site with me, and I will be visiting him this weekend, but that leaves most of my days completely lonely. We are going to change phone services this weekend (and I will send along that new number when I get it) so we can talk a little more frequently, but the loneliness that usually doesn't bother me seems to be getting to me finally. Oh, and lets not forget about my adventure to get here in the first place. The trip ended up taking two days, and ended with them loosing my luggage. I am back in Tegus once more to try and find it all, but who knows with this country.

So, I guess I'm doing just okay. I seem to be getting from one day to the next and that's about as far as I can plan. My hope is to make it to Christmas, but I know that if I continue to be this sad here, not only will Raul Have to break up with me, but it's just no way to be, and I can make the decision to leave any time I need to. I had all these amazing plans with what I wanted to do with my service, but being so far away from home right now is the only thing, and really the most important thing that I can think about. I don' t think that if I decide to leave that I will be any more sad than I am staying, and that is a battle that I will take on soon enough.

I wish I could understand why God has us in certain places, what he wants from us, what our purpose is. But I suppose if I knew these things than God would be no better than my own limited mind. What I do keep praying for is that he will continue to be here with me until he makes it clear that he wants me somewhere else. I pray that our family can find comfort in his lack of answers and keep trusting in his reasons. And I pray that when I fall apart because of the distance that he will find ways to keep me together. Please keep my mom in your prayers, it really does mean the world to all of us.

For now my address will stay the same as posted before, and I will send my new number as soon as I can. I will be home for Christmas and will keep you updated if those plans change.
Thank you all for your love and support and I hope to be talking to you soon.
xoxox

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